Thinking...

So it's now been almost two months since we lost the apartment, and six weeks since I lost my job. And since I'm typing this just after work hours on a week day, it should be pretty obvious to all and sundry that I am, still, unemployed.

Yes, I took the contract position. No, it didn't work out - in fact, it turned out badly. I couldn't get motivated, it didn't interest me, and I simply couldn't find the data that was needed for my employers. I crashed and burned, badly. If they hadn't asked to discontinue the contract when they did, I was planning to at the end of the assignment.

While I'm very greatful for the offer of that job, and the money will be handy (whenever I get paid), at the same time the job caused problems - it kept me from getting going properly on the job search (too much time spent on the contract vs looking for a proper job), and it was probably too soon for me to be working - I possibly actually needed some time to come to grips with all that had happened to me in the last two weeks. And, finally, loosing a job AGAIN, on top of everything else that had happened within the last month, was just the icing on the cake.

So I've been thinking, a lot, in the last two weeks. What is it that I really want to be doing in my life? What are my dreams, my ambitions, and where do I get the motivation for them? What are the next steps in my self-journey, to a satisfying career that will fullfill me?

I'm still applying for just every job out there, but grudingly. I've hit the spot where I'm thinking "even if they interview me, they'll never hire me, so why bother? It's all a waste of time". I've hit a low point, where I'm lazy and in fear of rejection. I'm finding jobs to apply for: Right now I even have a list of them saved on Word, but am I applying for them? No, I'm putting it off.

I'm scared to apply. I'm scared of rejection, of dead ends, of jobs that go nowhere or that I get fired from for being the 'wrong person'. I'm afraid that I might be the wrong person for every job, any job. I feel like a looser, that I'm doomed to turn into my aunt, the woman my whole family distains for her inability to accomplish anything in life, except being a drain on everyone else.

Yes, I've got some money due to come in, so I can pay my bills (hell, right now I have twice as much money as Jeff) for the time being. But I built up that money painstakingly, and loosing my financial independence is tough. I could go back to the temp agenices, but I'm afraid of getting sucked in, of loosing chances at other things, because of this.

What is it I really want to do? And where do I find the motivation for it? Do I want to do communications for a charitable organization? Media Relations for a theatre group? Internal communications for a corporation? Be a Freelance writer? Become a Journalist?

I honestly just don't know, and I don't feel like I have the drive and ability to set myself up as any of these at this point.

I feel like a failure, as only a 26 year old failure can. Worse, I know that I am becoming a failure through my inability to fight through and accomplish anything. I'm hiding in books, running from options and choices and doing anything.

I think I'm loosing myself, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I don't feel like I can do anything about it, because I don't know what to do, where to start, how to act.

I have an appointment up at the University on Thursday for a Mock Interview: perhaps that will give me the skills and confidence to win through at interviews, enough at least so that I want to interview, and therefore apply for jobs.

But even then, would it be to do what I dream of?

I think I need counseling, but I can't afford it. Career counseling through the University would cost $130 an hour, far more than I could possibly afford. Yet, I think it's time to find something to help me. It's not fair to dump this all of Jeff, and I'm not sure he could fully understand it: He's never been in this position before, he's never been unemployed. Nor have my girlfriends' ever had this happen.

I feel panicky, and alone and depressed. I need to fix this, and I need to fix it now.

I didn't even realize how bad it was until I started typing, until this all started pouring out of me.

I need help, and I need it fast.

Now all I have to do is find it.