So it’s week two of the social experiment… otherwise known as being 28 for six whole days now.
Seriously, best way to spend a birthday if you’re a dancer? Tell everyone you’ll be out of town a week before your birthday, therefore prompting a friend to give you a bday dance the week earlier. Don’t actually leave town until AFTER your birthday, so you get another birthday jam on your actual bday. Go out of town to dance the next day, where people know it’s your birthday. Get a jam circle for it. Then get another jam circle for being from out of town. Is it any wonder I was limping by Sunday (no aerials though, which sucked… I so have to learn some of those soon).
Anyways, so accomplishments in the last week: They seemed to totally love me on Wednesday, and I was very personable. Unfortunately, they’d also found another candidate, so that meant zilch. Back to the job hunting drawing board (was upset at the time, but really? Losing 1/7th (min) of my salary so I can work an extra 10 to 20 hours a week? Probably a good thing I didn’t get it).
Found ride and accommodations in Ed, so did advanced classes for the first time, and had a blast. Also had the world’s best bubble tea. Will now be insisting on visiting Dream everytime I’m in Edmonton (tho I don’t think anyone will really object to that idea). Also, I actually went to the Fringe Festival at long last! Hurray! Question: Is one still a Fringe Virgin if one only ATE at fringe & watched the buskers, versus seeing any shows?
Spoke my mind (probably too much) at the SDC meeting, but if it makes some positive changes, that’d be great – I’d love to see that thing go gangbusters and I only talked so much because I thought the ideas could benefit everyone (not like most ppl also didn’t have those ideas!)
What else? Finally went climbing last night, a consequence of which is that my forearms are hurting just typing this up… I really need to develop some more arm & back muscles. ONE day I want to be able to actually get up a damn wall or finish a bouldering route without squeaking and wanting to use my chin to grip things (I inadvertedly used my boob last night for balance and all I can say about that is ouch). It felt like I ripped the hell out of my hands, but the calluses are pretty small, which just shows how long it’s been since I climbed, if there is that much pain for minimal damage.
Seriously though, there is not much to talk about, I haven’t had many adventures (besides Edmonton) – I’m just bored shitless at work and wanted a distraction.
Of course, I do have ONE thing on boil… a potential new blog cowritten with a friend. But more about that some other time… my fingers are cramping up like crazy now and I really should do more work!
Off to tackle mount laundry & apartment cleaning tonight…. My life is so full with fabulous adventures!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
A new dose of inspiration
So, saw Julie & Julia tonight and completely loved it.
It had terrific actresses, an amazing director, and great action.
And ok, the first few scenes of 1940's Paris were obviously painted backlots, but that was soon over looked.
Most importantly though, it featured two strong women, each whom decided to do something new with their lifes, which lead them to new careers and successes beyond heir wildest dreams.
It was inspiring and uplifting - the type of movie all women need in their lifes. I know there is a lot of backlash against the whole 'domestic goddess/ return to the kitchen movement' (and I'm a strong advocate against it), but I still loved this movie - because these women didn't make their way by stabbing others in the back, through sex or less than ethical means.
Instead, they decided to do what they loved. And in doing so, they not only changed their own lifes, but also brought joy into the lifes of others.
So thank you, Julie Powell and Julia Child. Thank you for being an inspiration to a woman who needs it!
And thank you M to treating me to the perfect birthday present for a woman who wishes to inspire herself & find her dream by doing what she loves in the year ahead!
It had terrific actresses, an amazing director, and great action.
And ok, the first few scenes of 1940's Paris were obviously painted backlots, but that was soon over looked.
Most importantly though, it featured two strong women, each whom decided to do something new with their lifes, which lead them to new careers and successes beyond heir wildest dreams.
It was inspiring and uplifting - the type of movie all women need in their lifes. I know there is a lot of backlash against the whole 'domestic goddess/ return to the kitchen movement' (and I'm a strong advocate against it), but I still loved this movie - because these women didn't make their way by stabbing others in the back, through sex or less than ethical means.
Instead, they decided to do what they loved. And in doing so, they not only changed their own lifes, but also brought joy into the lifes of others.
So thank you, Julie Powell and Julia Child. Thank you for being an inspiration to a woman who needs it!
And thank you M to treating me to the perfect birthday present for a woman who wishes to inspire herself & find her dream by doing what she loves in the year ahead!
Sunday, August 9, 2009
It's about time
To update this blog.
It's been a long time since I typed, and yet so little has happened. Not because I got into a 'good place' and I've been happily going about my business, but because I've been lazing about, doing nothing as my business.
I've been uninspired and unmotivated, and I really need to change that... starting now.
So, this blog will go back to being a general catch-all for the outpourings of my brain.
I have no followers anymore, I don't know how many interesting things I have to write about. Afterall, I'm single, I live alone, I don't date, I have a boring job, and I tend to hide versus getting out there and trying new things. All I need to be the quissential cat lady is the cat, and I'm already seriously complemplating getting one (to the extent I was supposed to 'view' one today).
But, a new landmark is about to be hit - 28. I figured by 28 I'd be married (first to a guy I still talk to, next to a guy who if he ever tries talking to me again, I'll be examining restraining orders again), that I'd have travelled the world, be secure in my job, own a home, car, cat, and generally be loving life.
Instead, I feel like I haven't travelled at all (it's sad when your travel credientials only impress 18 yr olds or people who have never left Canada), am renting a place that frequently breaks down (I suppose I should be greatful for only loosing $100 worth of food when the freezer broke), cower at the idea of confrontation or responsibility (also known as 'no, I don't have any relationships, human or pet based') and I'm working as an assistant at a job that a friend appologized for calling 'monkey work' the other day.
What's sadder is that I had to tell the friend that even an untrained monkey could manage my work.
So, with 28 approaching like a runaway train, it's time. Time to take control of my life, to move on and up to better things. Time not just to examine my situation (I'm very good at couch-based, self-inflicted therapy sessions) but to actually DO something about it.
Actually live out my dreams, experience all there is out there to do. Take risks, have adventures, make some mistakes. Because you know, doing nothing is even more destructive and mistake-filed than doing something!
and if my year of introspection has taught me anything, it's that I was born to be out there interacting with others, versus shut away in my own little world!
So, this is my social experiment for the next year: to try as many new things as possible, to ALWAYS say yes to new experiences and to open up my horizions as much as possible. In the last year I tried:
- travelling for work
- travelling for dance
- went back to swing dancing
- tried out a book club
- made some new friends
- sleeping with someone on the first date (bad, VERY bad idea)
- falling in love at work (also a bad idea)
-visiting more of Canada
- travelling somewhere I really didn't want to (and it was fun!)
- hearing aids (still working on loving them)
- downhill skiing (totally terrifying fun!)
- burlesque dancing
- rock-climbing (love it!)
So, I need to keep going at this - I need to experience more & more, to make me happier and happier!
so, this week's accomplishments will be:
- create a filing system for myself during at home hours (uggh, but it's gotta happen)
- go climbing with A (hopefully)
- girl's night to celebrate my bday with M
- trip to Edmonton to dance for my birthday (MUST find ride and accomodations!)
- special project on Wednesday
- Start arranging the AGM/ open house for MCAA
- organize my birthday dinner with M&D.
- go to dance class on Wednesday (new sweet moves, here I come, whahoo!)
But, to make sure I actually do something that's new, I will:
SPEAK MY MIND at the Open house for SDC. I wanna be more involved and I want to see us all have a lot more fun! Screw fear of being ridiculed, I've been there for a year now and I'd love to step up my involvement a notch, but I have to talk to get that happening!
Ask M if we can try something for dinner that I have never had before. I will have to hunt something down in the next day :)
Absolutely kick ass at the specical experiment on Wednesday!
because this is the plan: be more outspoken, kinder, develop stronger relationships, try to mend two fences, get more involved in EVERYTHING I'm already into, and develop new interests, new forms of self-expression, and otherwise embrace and love life to its fullest.... even though it means totally sticking my neck out there and probably taking a LOT of spills.
But it's time - to stop sulking & hiding and get out there again!
It's been a long time since I typed, and yet so little has happened. Not because I got into a 'good place' and I've been happily going about my business, but because I've been lazing about, doing nothing as my business.
I've been uninspired and unmotivated, and I really need to change that... starting now.
So, this blog will go back to being a general catch-all for the outpourings of my brain.
I have no followers anymore, I don't know how many interesting things I have to write about. Afterall, I'm single, I live alone, I don't date, I have a boring job, and I tend to hide versus getting out there and trying new things. All I need to be the quissential cat lady is the cat, and I'm already seriously complemplating getting one (to the extent I was supposed to 'view' one today).
But, a new landmark is about to be hit - 28. I figured by 28 I'd be married (first to a guy I still talk to, next to a guy who if he ever tries talking to me again, I'll be examining restraining orders again), that I'd have travelled the world, be secure in my job, own a home, car, cat, and generally be loving life.
Instead, I feel like I haven't travelled at all (it's sad when your travel credientials only impress 18 yr olds or people who have never left Canada), am renting a place that frequently breaks down (I suppose I should be greatful for only loosing $100 worth of food when the freezer broke), cower at the idea of confrontation or responsibility (also known as 'no, I don't have any relationships, human or pet based') and I'm working as an assistant at a job that a friend appologized for calling 'monkey work' the other day.
What's sadder is that I had to tell the friend that even an untrained monkey could manage my work.
So, with 28 approaching like a runaway train, it's time. Time to take control of my life, to move on and up to better things. Time not just to examine my situation (I'm very good at couch-based, self-inflicted therapy sessions) but to actually DO something about it.
Actually live out my dreams, experience all there is out there to do. Take risks, have adventures, make some mistakes. Because you know, doing nothing is even more destructive and mistake-filed than doing something!
and if my year of introspection has taught me anything, it's that I was born to be out there interacting with others, versus shut away in my own little world!
So, this is my social experiment for the next year: to try as many new things as possible, to ALWAYS say yes to new experiences and to open up my horizions as much as possible. In the last year I tried:
- travelling for work
- travelling for dance
- went back to swing dancing
- tried out a book club
- made some new friends
- sleeping with someone on the first date (bad, VERY bad idea)
- falling in love at work (also a bad idea)
-visiting more of Canada
- travelling somewhere I really didn't want to (and it was fun!)
- hearing aids (still working on loving them)
- downhill skiing (totally terrifying fun!)
- burlesque dancing
- rock-climbing (love it!)
So, I need to keep going at this - I need to experience more & more, to make me happier and happier!
so, this week's accomplishments will be:
- create a filing system for myself during at home hours (uggh, but it's gotta happen)
- go climbing with A (hopefully)
- girl's night to celebrate my bday with M
- trip to Edmonton to dance for my birthday (MUST find ride and accomodations!)
- special project on Wednesday
- Start arranging the AGM/ open house for MCAA
- organize my birthday dinner with M&D.
- go to dance class on Wednesday (new sweet moves, here I come, whahoo!)
But, to make sure I actually do something that's new, I will:
SPEAK MY MIND at the Open house for SDC. I wanna be more involved and I want to see us all have a lot more fun! Screw fear of being ridiculed, I've been there for a year now and I'd love to step up my involvement a notch, but I have to talk to get that happening!
Ask M if we can try something for dinner that I have never had before. I will have to hunt something down in the next day :)
Absolutely kick ass at the specical experiment on Wednesday!
because this is the plan: be more outspoken, kinder, develop stronger relationships, try to mend two fences, get more involved in EVERYTHING I'm already into, and develop new interests, new forms of self-expression, and otherwise embrace and love life to its fullest.... even though it means totally sticking my neck out there and probably taking a LOT of spills.
But it's time - to stop sulking & hiding and get out there again!
Thursday, November 27, 2008
I'm BAACCCCCCCCCCCCK!
It's been a very, very long time since I posted to this blog.
And there have been a lot of changes in my life in the last 14 months, some of which made me feel like not writing, so of which made it seem... pertinient... that I did not blog.
But I've missed blogging, I've missed setting down my thoughts and opinions and getting to share them with my online friends. I missed a lot of comments on some articles, too, that I would loved to have followed up with people over!
With the girl genius community back, it means that I have a 'readership' (for want of a far better term) to connect with again. And it makes me want to come out of my 'non-writing' shell.. I have been published several times over the past few months, in several different organization's newsletters, but i want to start writing for me, about whatever I feel like, again.
It's an unnerving idea, in some ways. There is a (Small) chance that this blog is still being monitored by someone who was previously tracking my actions, but seems to have desisted doing so recently. I can only hope I'm right about that, and that I will recieve some form of notification if I'm wrong - at which point, the blog will go back offline .
I'm not quite sure if I'll continue to post to this blog, specifically, or just link this one into the blog I very breifly started in the summer. I wanted to start writing again at that point, felt empowered to do so (although I didn't feel it was yet smart to do so on this blog) , but then the ground shook beneath my feet again... and I'm only just really finding my way again.
The last 14 months have been some of the strangest out there, and there have been many, many changes. I'm still getting used to them..... so I'll speak more about them later!
And there have been a lot of changes in my life in the last 14 months, some of which made me feel like not writing, so of which made it seem... pertinient... that I did not blog.
But I've missed blogging, I've missed setting down my thoughts and opinions and getting to share them with my online friends. I missed a lot of comments on some articles, too, that I would loved to have followed up with people over!
With the girl genius community back, it means that I have a 'readership' (for want of a far better term) to connect with again. And it makes me want to come out of my 'non-writing' shell.. I have been published several times over the past few months, in several different organization's newsletters, but i want to start writing for me, about whatever I feel like, again.
It's an unnerving idea, in some ways. There is a (Small) chance that this blog is still being monitored by someone who was previously tracking my actions, but seems to have desisted doing so recently. I can only hope I'm right about that, and that I will recieve some form of notification if I'm wrong - at which point, the blog will go back offline .
I'm not quite sure if I'll continue to post to this blog, specifically, or just link this one into the blog I very breifly started in the summer. I wanted to start writing again at that point, felt empowered to do so (although I didn't feel it was yet smart to do so on this blog) , but then the ground shook beneath my feet again... and I'm only just really finding my way again.
The last 14 months have been some of the strangest out there, and there have been many, many changes. I'm still getting used to them..... so I'll speak more about them later!
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Another Miraculous Conversation with my father
Today marked another phone conversation with my father, a phenomena that I still find truly bizarre (mental flash back to two years ago, when the only time he called me/ talked to me for more than two seconds on the phone in 5 months was to tell me my sister was in the hospital).
That said, tonight's conversation included some particular gems of true father-daughter bonding:
Dad: "So I've got diabetes now too, just like Mum"
Me: "Oh..."
Dad: "And the doctor said I've gained 15 pounds since my last check-up, which really surprised me"
Me: "You do realize your shirts don't fit anymore, don't you?"
Dad: "The Dr. told us a lot of interesting things last night. Did you know that a sweet potato or yam is healthier for you than a jacket potato?"
Me: "I think I've know that for about 10 years now"
Dad: "Oh, and you should have an orange instead of orange juice, because of the sugar"
Me: "Glad to know whom the enabler for all unhealthy eating habits in this family has been"
Dad: "That's not true. Hey, and she said I don't have to give up drinking - I was really worried about that!"
Me: "You do realize if you did, you might actually lose those 15 pounds, right?"
Me: "Ok, Dad, I've got to go - I was going to talk to Mum to, but dinner's almost ready, so can you tell her I'll call again?"
Dad: "Oh, I'll get her for you. CHRIS! HEY CHRIS!"
Me: "Dad, no! I don't want to... Dad? Dad?"
Mum: "Hi Honey"
Me: "Hi Mum, I'm hanging up now, I'm making dinner"
Mum: "Let me guess, you told your Dad that, right?"
Maybe, one of these days, we'll actually get to a conversation where sarcasm or selective hearing isn't a major factor.
In related news, hell still hasn't frozen over: Both the Flames and Leafs lost their hockey games tonight.
That said, tonight's conversation included some particular gems of true father-daughter bonding:
Dad: "So I've got diabetes now too, just like Mum"
Me: "Oh..."
Dad: "And the doctor said I've gained 15 pounds since my last check-up, which really surprised me"
Me: "You do realize your shirts don't fit anymore, don't you?"
Dad: "The Dr. told us a lot of interesting things last night. Did you know that a sweet potato or yam is healthier for you than a jacket potato?"
Me: "I think I've know that for about 10 years now"
Dad: "Oh, and you should have an orange instead of orange juice, because of the sugar"
Me: "Glad to know whom the enabler for all unhealthy eating habits in this family has been"
Dad: "That's not true. Hey, and she said I don't have to give up drinking - I was really worried about that!"
Me: "You do realize if you did, you might actually lose those 15 pounds, right?"
Me: "Ok, Dad, I've got to go - I was going to talk to Mum to, but dinner's almost ready, so can you tell her I'll call again?"
Dad: "Oh, I'll get her for you. CHRIS! HEY CHRIS!"
Me: "Dad, no! I don't want to... Dad? Dad?"
Mum: "Hi Honey"
Me: "Hi Mum, I'm hanging up now, I'm making dinner"
Mum: "Let me guess, you told your Dad that, right?"
Maybe, one of these days, we'll actually get to a conversation where sarcasm or selective hearing isn't a major factor.
In related news, hell still hasn't frozen over: Both the Flames and Leafs lost their hockey games tonight.
RIP Grrl Genius Blog
Cathryn Michon's sensational blog, Grrl Genius, is shutting down.
Although I know that just about anyone reading this already knows that the blog is ending, I feel a need to write about it.
I feel bereft, as if I have just lost a family member, and in a way, this is true. The grrl genius blog (and Cathryn) was not just amusing, thought-provoking and witty. It did not just celebrate the wonders of being a Grrl Genius or an enlightened male.
It created, more than anything else I have ever seen on the web, a family. A wild, multi-cultural, multi-national, sometimes disjointed family that often saw impassioned differences of opinions (if not cyber yelling) but none the less, a family.
The blog was a secure place that we could all turn to, and as such, it became a safe, comforting locale, just like returning to the family home (and, for some that do not have that home, probably in some ways replaced it). It gave us all a chance to speak, to share our deepest feelings, and to gain love & support. Yes, most of us never met/ will never meet. That said, I don't think it will ever matter. The blog managed to transcend the fact that it was entirely virtual, and become a part of each of our lives. It was a place to laugh, to cry, to rail against injustice. What was best, it was a place wherein we were supported for doing so, encouraged not just to speak our minds, but to yell them from our keyboards into the ears of a receptive and loving cyber-family.
Thank you Cathryn for giving us this place, for not only your words and wisdom, but also for the family you encouraged us to create. Thank you all for the support and love you gave me during my struggles to start up my career, my learning pains through falling in love & moving in with Jeff (with whom I will be celebrating our first year of 'marriage' within the next two weeks), through the fire that left me homeless. Thank you for your ideas, wisdom, comments, jokes, support, encouragement, sympathy and love.
Thank you for all being part of the place I went for a 'pick-me-up', to feel empowered, and to see just what 'sisterhood' can create - a vibrant, living, supportive family!
I will miss the blog, and everyone on it, very deeply. It has been part of my life for the last 18 months, and although I was involved in more than one argument on it, I will honestly miss everyone whom contributed positively to it. I will miss getting to be a spectator & commentator in your lives, just as I will miss your support in mine.
I know, to some, this might sound weird - as if I am living on the web instead of in real life- but it's how I feel. Of course, this isn't like losing a member of my actual family, and I have many others that I can go to for physical as well as mental & emotional support. But it still means something to me to lose Cathryn's words, and the words of everyone else, losing the smile that seeing everyone's supportiveness & friendly personalities & achievements celebrated on the site always gave me. It was a forum to celebrate everything that makes us uniquely US, without fear of being swatted down by others, or ridiculed. It was a place not only to make a claim to everything that makes us wonderful women (from our stances on education and abortion rights to our concerns about how many margaritas we’d need to consume before we could all go on a bikini beach party together), but also to be mentored and applauded in doing so.
We have celebrated so many wonderful events on the blog - Joy's being accepted to grad school, M triumphantly returning to teaching, LawSchool Kirsten becoming just that, Maria joining the diplomatic corps, UKYankee's marriage, AKCop Girl's engagement, GG's "Cook Off!", and we have also provided support for each other during the hard & even terrible moments - Jenn's struggles with both her ex & all the care her family needs, NoIssue's marital troubles, me (NGG) loosing my home, and, most terribly, Sandi's husband being diagnosed with cancer.
We have shared it all; deep dark moments of anguish and fear, moments of tragedy, moments of triumph, moments of spellbinding joy and happiness. And through it all, we were there for each other.
As such, I can say that I am losing a family with the end of the Grrl Genius blog - my virtual family.
Best wishes to everyone reading this that was part of this family - my cyber sisters and brothers, our cyber 'big sister', GG, and our 'cyber mommy', the amazing MFD.
Please stay in touch, and hopefully, one day, we will all be able to have a 'cyber-family' reunion thanks to what GG started, and the continuing wisdom & power of the Grrl Genius Movement.
Although I know that just about anyone reading this already knows that the blog is ending, I feel a need to write about it.
I feel bereft, as if I have just lost a family member, and in a way, this is true. The grrl genius blog (and Cathryn) was not just amusing, thought-provoking and witty. It did not just celebrate the wonders of being a Grrl Genius or an enlightened male.
It created, more than anything else I have ever seen on the web, a family. A wild, multi-cultural, multi-national, sometimes disjointed family that often saw impassioned differences of opinions (if not cyber yelling) but none the less, a family.
The blog was a secure place that we could all turn to, and as such, it became a safe, comforting locale, just like returning to the family home (and, for some that do not have that home, probably in some ways replaced it). It gave us all a chance to speak, to share our deepest feelings, and to gain love & support. Yes, most of us never met/ will never meet. That said, I don't think it will ever matter. The blog managed to transcend the fact that it was entirely virtual, and become a part of each of our lives. It was a place to laugh, to cry, to rail against injustice. What was best, it was a place wherein we were supported for doing so, encouraged not just to speak our minds, but to yell them from our keyboards into the ears of a receptive and loving cyber-family.
Thank you Cathryn for giving us this place, for not only your words and wisdom, but also for the family you encouraged us to create. Thank you all for the support and love you gave me during my struggles to start up my career, my learning pains through falling in love & moving in with Jeff (with whom I will be celebrating our first year of 'marriage' within the next two weeks), through the fire that left me homeless. Thank you for your ideas, wisdom, comments, jokes, support, encouragement, sympathy and love.
Thank you for all being part of the place I went for a 'pick-me-up', to feel empowered, and to see just what 'sisterhood' can create - a vibrant, living, supportive family!
I will miss the blog, and everyone on it, very deeply. It has been part of my life for the last 18 months, and although I was involved in more than one argument on it, I will honestly miss everyone whom contributed positively to it. I will miss getting to be a spectator & commentator in your lives, just as I will miss your support in mine.
I know, to some, this might sound weird - as if I am living on the web instead of in real life- but it's how I feel. Of course, this isn't like losing a member of my actual family, and I have many others that I can go to for physical as well as mental & emotional support. But it still means something to me to lose Cathryn's words, and the words of everyone else, losing the smile that seeing everyone's supportiveness & friendly personalities & achievements celebrated on the site always gave me. It was a forum to celebrate everything that makes us uniquely US, without fear of being swatted down by others, or ridiculed. It was a place not only to make a claim to everything that makes us wonderful women (from our stances on education and abortion rights to our concerns about how many margaritas we’d need to consume before we could all go on a bikini beach party together), but also to be mentored and applauded in doing so.
We have celebrated so many wonderful events on the blog - Joy's being accepted to grad school, M triumphantly returning to teaching, LawSchool Kirsten becoming just that, Maria joining the diplomatic corps, UKYankee's marriage, AKCop Girl's engagement, GG's "Cook Off!", and we have also provided support for each other during the hard & even terrible moments - Jenn's struggles with both her ex & all the care her family needs, NoIssue's marital troubles, me (NGG) loosing my home, and, most terribly, Sandi's husband being diagnosed with cancer.
We have shared it all; deep dark moments of anguish and fear, moments of tragedy, moments of triumph, moments of spellbinding joy and happiness. And through it all, we were there for each other.
As such, I can say that I am losing a family with the end of the Grrl Genius blog - my virtual family.
Best wishes to everyone reading this that was part of this family - my cyber sisters and brothers, our cyber 'big sister', GG, and our 'cyber mommy', the amazing MFD.
Please stay in touch, and hopefully, one day, we will all be able to have a 'cyber-family' reunion thanks to what GG started, and the continuing wisdom & power of the Grrl Genius Movement.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Thinking...
So it's now been almost two months since we lost the apartment, and six weeks since I lost my job. And since I'm typing this just after work hours on a week day, it should be pretty obvious to all and sundry that I am, still, unemployed.
Yes, I took the contract position. No, it didn't work out - in fact, it turned out badly. I couldn't get motivated, it didn't interest me, and I simply couldn't find the data that was needed for my employers. I crashed and burned, badly. If they hadn't asked to discontinue the contract when they did, I was planning to at the end of the assignment.
While I'm very greatful for the offer of that job, and the money will be handy (whenever I get paid), at the same time the job caused problems - it kept me from getting going properly on the job search (too much time spent on the contract vs looking for a proper job), and it was probably too soon for me to be working - I possibly actually needed some time to come to grips with all that had happened to me in the last two weeks. And, finally, loosing a job AGAIN, on top of everything else that had happened within the last month, was just the icing on the cake.
So I've been thinking, a lot, in the last two weeks. What is it that I really want to be doing in my life? What are my dreams, my ambitions, and where do I get the motivation for them? What are the next steps in my self-journey, to a satisfying career that will fullfill me?
I'm still applying for just every job out there, but grudingly. I've hit the spot where I'm thinking "even if they interview me, they'll never hire me, so why bother? It's all a waste of time". I've hit a low point, where I'm lazy and in fear of rejection. I'm finding jobs to apply for: Right now I even have a list of them saved on Word, but am I applying for them? No, I'm putting it off.
I'm scared to apply. I'm scared of rejection, of dead ends, of jobs that go nowhere or that I get fired from for being the 'wrong person'. I'm afraid that I might be the wrong person for every job, any job. I feel like a looser, that I'm doomed to turn into my aunt, the woman my whole family distains for her inability to accomplish anything in life, except being a drain on everyone else.
Yes, I've got some money due to come in, so I can pay my bills (hell, right now I have twice as much money as Jeff) for the time being. But I built up that money painstakingly, and loosing my financial independence is tough. I could go back to the temp agenices, but I'm afraid of getting sucked in, of loosing chances at other things, because of this.
What is it I really want to do? And where do I find the motivation for it? Do I want to do communications for a charitable organization? Media Relations for a theatre group? Internal communications for a corporation? Be a Freelance writer? Become a Journalist?
I honestly just don't know, and I don't feel like I have the drive and ability to set myself up as any of these at this point.
I feel like a failure, as only a 26 year old failure can. Worse, I know that I am becoming a failure through my inability to fight through and accomplish anything. I'm hiding in books, running from options and choices and doing anything.
I think I'm loosing myself, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I don't feel like I can do anything about it, because I don't know what to do, where to start, how to act.
I have an appointment up at the University on Thursday for a Mock Interview: perhaps that will give me the skills and confidence to win through at interviews, enough at least so that I want to interview, and therefore apply for jobs.
But even then, would it be to do what I dream of?
I think I need counseling, but I can't afford it. Career counseling through the University would cost $130 an hour, far more than I could possibly afford. Yet, I think it's time to find something to help me. It's not fair to dump this all of Jeff, and I'm not sure he could fully understand it: He's never been in this position before, he's never been unemployed. Nor have my girlfriends' ever had this happen.
I feel panicky, and alone and depressed. I need to fix this, and I need to fix it now.
I didn't even realize how bad it was until I started typing, until this all started pouring out of me.
I need help, and I need it fast.
Now all I have to do is find it.
Yes, I took the contract position. No, it didn't work out - in fact, it turned out badly. I couldn't get motivated, it didn't interest me, and I simply couldn't find the data that was needed for my employers. I crashed and burned, badly. If they hadn't asked to discontinue the contract when they did, I was planning to at the end of the assignment.
While I'm very greatful for the offer of that job, and the money will be handy (whenever I get paid), at the same time the job caused problems - it kept me from getting going properly on the job search (too much time spent on the contract vs looking for a proper job), and it was probably too soon for me to be working - I possibly actually needed some time to come to grips with all that had happened to me in the last two weeks. And, finally, loosing a job AGAIN, on top of everything else that had happened within the last month, was just the icing on the cake.
So I've been thinking, a lot, in the last two weeks. What is it that I really want to be doing in my life? What are my dreams, my ambitions, and where do I get the motivation for them? What are the next steps in my self-journey, to a satisfying career that will fullfill me?
I'm still applying for just every job out there, but grudingly. I've hit the spot where I'm thinking "even if they interview me, they'll never hire me, so why bother? It's all a waste of time". I've hit a low point, where I'm lazy and in fear of rejection. I'm finding jobs to apply for: Right now I even have a list of them saved on Word, but am I applying for them? No, I'm putting it off.
I'm scared to apply. I'm scared of rejection, of dead ends, of jobs that go nowhere or that I get fired from for being the 'wrong person'. I'm afraid that I might be the wrong person for every job, any job. I feel like a looser, that I'm doomed to turn into my aunt, the woman my whole family distains for her inability to accomplish anything in life, except being a drain on everyone else.
Yes, I've got some money due to come in, so I can pay my bills (hell, right now I have twice as much money as Jeff) for the time being. But I built up that money painstakingly, and loosing my financial independence is tough. I could go back to the temp agenices, but I'm afraid of getting sucked in, of loosing chances at other things, because of this.
What is it I really want to do? And where do I find the motivation for it? Do I want to do communications for a charitable organization? Media Relations for a theatre group? Internal communications for a corporation? Be a Freelance writer? Become a Journalist?
I honestly just don't know, and I don't feel like I have the drive and ability to set myself up as any of these at this point.
I feel like a failure, as only a 26 year old failure can. Worse, I know that I am becoming a failure through my inability to fight through and accomplish anything. I'm hiding in books, running from options and choices and doing anything.
I think I'm loosing myself, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I don't feel like I can do anything about it, because I don't know what to do, where to start, how to act.
I have an appointment up at the University on Thursday for a Mock Interview: perhaps that will give me the skills and confidence to win through at interviews, enough at least so that I want to interview, and therefore apply for jobs.
But even then, would it be to do what I dream of?
I think I need counseling, but I can't afford it. Career counseling through the University would cost $130 an hour, far more than I could possibly afford. Yet, I think it's time to find something to help me. It's not fair to dump this all of Jeff, and I'm not sure he could fully understand it: He's never been in this position before, he's never been unemployed. Nor have my girlfriends' ever had this happen.
I feel panicky, and alone and depressed. I need to fix this, and I need to fix it now.
I didn't even realize how bad it was until I started typing, until this all started pouring out of me.
I need help, and I need it fast.
Now all I have to do is find it.
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