K-I-T-T-E-N, Part II ('The Kitten Rules')

Ok, so I want to talk more about my potential Kitten.

What I will name it, what it will look like, act like…. I want to talk about all of this!

Except, of course, I don’t know any of the above. I know I want a mogg* though- and I’m kinda leaning towards a grey one.

I’ve had an orange/marmalade-swirl moggy and a black & white one before, so this time I want a grey striped tabby- I think. Grey kittens are very cute looking.

Quiet frankly though, all I care about is whether or not it has the right attitude. I like my cats with some sass! If they want to get delusional on ivy plants or try to eat my cacti, or take a nap on the fresh laundry, that’s fine by me (peeing in the fresh laundry, however, is NOT ok). All I care about is that it’s got some personality & is cuddly. I can remember a couple of occasions where I was feeling miserable & wanting a cuddle with my old cat, and he didn’t want to know.

Teenage angst can definitely be defined as standing in your bedroom doorway, tears streaming down your face yelling “fuck you!” at a cat that’s fleeing because you tried to hug it & got its fur wet, after which you throw yourself down on the bed and cry hysterically because you now think the cat hates you :)
God, I loved being a teenager SO much.

But, without further ado, and in part inspired by just reading the original column ‘8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter’ by W. Bruce Cameron (gotta give inspirational credit where it's due), I present:

THE KITTEN RULES
(possible-far-more-catchy-sounding-name-change-pending)

*** this is an official legal document that will be notorized by both Joanna and ‘The Kitten’ upon its homecoming to the ‘JoJeff’ residence****

1) You should not have that much of a problem with children or with having your tail or ears pulled, since I’ll probably have kids before you die. That said, if you to move out when a baby moves in, can you save room for me in the suitcase?

2) DO NOT scream blue murder (or try to commit murder) each & every time you are stuffed in a box to go & visit either granny & granddad or the vet. Mummy will get worried that you are in pain & twist around so many times in the car that eventually Daddy will drive off the road because he can't drive straight because Mummy's contorsions are blocking access to the stick shift. We will then both get mad at you, and the car repair bills will come out of your toy allowance for the next 20 years.

3) Furthermore, you should not turn up your nose every day at dinner. There are starving kittens in Africa. If you don't want to eat what I brought you, you can become one. Don't try then sneaking some of MY dinner because you're 'hungry'. This also holds for my favorite plants or any flowers Jeff buys me. And If the cacti bites back, you deserved it.

4) Attempted escapes out of the front door when I come home every night will be punished with ‘room arrest’ until I get home. If you try to get revenge by shredding my clothes, I will get out the spray/squirt bottle. That said, if you decide to shred Jeff’s sweaters that are falling apart to the point where even HE thinks they should be trashed, I will make you a steak dinner as a reward.

5) Trying to sleep on the bed with us is ok (although we’ll remove you occasionally so you don’t get nightmares). Thinking my boobs are re-moldable cushions is not ok. Killing & eating bugs that get into the house is ok. Leaving them half-dead in my slippers or bed is not ok. If you MUST save it as a midnight snack, please keep it in the bathtub & let your father know if it is escaping.

6) You should know that, if you are going to be sick, you should do it in your daddy’s lap (he doesn’t care about his clothes). If you want a cuddle, mummy’s lap will be available once she has changed out of her work clothes. If you ever EVER sleep on Mummy’s dress clothes & she winds up going to work with a furry butt, you will spend the next week sleeping in the bathroom.

7) Please realize that you are your Mummy & Daddy’s first baby. As such, Mummy is going to take lots of photos of you. If you keep turning away from the camera, she will get pissed off and refer to you as ‘stupid cat’. You are not to take the fact that your Daddy is laughing as encouragement to continue acting up. In return for behaving in front of the camera, Mummy will never ever dress you up for Halloween. She may, however, stick Santa hats on you at Christmas, at which point you can look as satanic as you please. It just makes the photos funnier.

8) Please realize that, although I am referring to myself & my partner as your ‘parents’, we will expect you to call us Joanna & Jeff, as Jeff especially will feel slightly horrified at the idea of a furry baby that eats spiders. We will treat you as a beloved pet, not a baby (ie: you don’t have to go to school or ‘dress up’ for photographs). In return, we expect that you also treat us with at least the image of respect. We are your OWNERS, not your slaves. That said, we will accept the title ‘servant’ if you don’t push it too far.

9) Claws are to be used against intruders to the house. If you use them on any sensitive parts of either of your owners/parents/servants’ anatomies, expect the velocity with which you whip through the air when we jump up in pain to be extremely fast. It is your own damn fault if you don’t get your paws spread out in time to avoid hitting the wall.

10) Playing ‘chase’ with yourself in the middle of the night is acceptable. If, however, you ever do this over the bed or on nights when Mummy has something important on at work/ has to get up extra-early, you will find yourself playing ‘chase’ outside with cars.

11) All violations of rules will be punished by a squirt bottle. I know you don’t like water, but you know what? Mummy doesn’t like stepping in the remains of a hair-ball, either.

12) The above mentioned squirt-bottle is a training tool, not an instrument of torture. Your male owner will tell you to ‘take it like a man’. All I can say is that if you try to elicit sympathy out of your grandparents/ my parents/ Jeff's parents by playing ‘poor kitty’ and it actually works, the squirt bottle WILL become an instrument of torture.

13) All these rules are subject to amendments, removals or additions. I brought you, deal with it. I’m putting up with you, aren’t I?


*note: for those non-initiated in English slang, a “Mogg” (or, for formal usage, Moggy) is the term for a feline of dubious and most definitely mixed heritage. A feline ‘mutt’ if you will*