Today marked another phone conversation with my father, a phenomena that I still find truly bizarre (mental flash back to two years ago, when the only time he called me/ talked to me for more than two seconds on the phone in 5 months was to tell me my sister was in the hospital).
That said, tonight's conversation included some particular gems of true father-daughter bonding:
Dad: "So I've got diabetes now too, just like Mum"
Me: "Oh..."
Dad: "And the doctor said I've gained 15 pounds since my last check-up, which really surprised me"
Me: "You do realize your shirts don't fit anymore, don't you?"
Dad: "The Dr. told us a lot of interesting things last night. Did you know that a sweet potato or yam is healthier for you than a jacket potato?"
Me: "I think I've know that for about 10 years now"
Dad: "Oh, and you should have an orange instead of orange juice, because of the sugar"
Me: "Glad to know whom the enabler for all unhealthy eating habits in this family has been"
Dad: "That's not true. Hey, and she said I don't have to give up drinking - I was really worried about that!"
Me: "You do realize if you did, you might actually lose those 15 pounds, right?"
Me: "Ok, Dad, I've got to go - I was going to talk to Mum to, but dinner's almost ready, so can you tell her I'll call again?"
Dad: "Oh, I'll get her for you. CHRIS! HEY CHRIS!"
Me: "Dad, no! I don't want to... Dad? Dad?"
Mum: "Hi Honey"
Me: "Hi Mum, I'm hanging up now, I'm making dinner"
Mum: "Let me guess, you told your Dad that, right?"
Maybe, one of these days, we'll actually get to a conversation where sarcasm or selective hearing isn't a major factor.
In related news, hell still hasn't frozen over: Both the Flames and Leafs lost their hockey games tonight.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
RIP Grrl Genius Blog
Cathryn Michon's sensational blog, Grrl Genius, is shutting down.
Although I know that just about anyone reading this already knows that the blog is ending, I feel a need to write about it.
I feel bereft, as if I have just lost a family member, and in a way, this is true. The grrl genius blog (and Cathryn) was not just amusing, thought-provoking and witty. It did not just celebrate the wonders of being a Grrl Genius or an enlightened male.
It created, more than anything else I have ever seen on the web, a family. A wild, multi-cultural, multi-national, sometimes disjointed family that often saw impassioned differences of opinions (if not cyber yelling) but none the less, a family.
The blog was a secure place that we could all turn to, and as such, it became a safe, comforting locale, just like returning to the family home (and, for some that do not have that home, probably in some ways replaced it). It gave us all a chance to speak, to share our deepest feelings, and to gain love & support. Yes, most of us never met/ will never meet. That said, I don't think it will ever matter. The blog managed to transcend the fact that it was entirely virtual, and become a part of each of our lives. It was a place to laugh, to cry, to rail against injustice. What was best, it was a place wherein we were supported for doing so, encouraged not just to speak our minds, but to yell them from our keyboards into the ears of a receptive and loving cyber-family.
Thank you Cathryn for giving us this place, for not only your words and wisdom, but also for the family you encouraged us to create. Thank you all for the support and love you gave me during my struggles to start up my career, my learning pains through falling in love & moving in with Jeff (with whom I will be celebrating our first year of 'marriage' within the next two weeks), through the fire that left me homeless. Thank you for your ideas, wisdom, comments, jokes, support, encouragement, sympathy and love.
Thank you for all being part of the place I went for a 'pick-me-up', to feel empowered, and to see just what 'sisterhood' can create - a vibrant, living, supportive family!
I will miss the blog, and everyone on it, very deeply. It has been part of my life for the last 18 months, and although I was involved in more than one argument on it, I will honestly miss everyone whom contributed positively to it. I will miss getting to be a spectator & commentator in your lives, just as I will miss your support in mine.
I know, to some, this might sound weird - as if I am living on the web instead of in real life- but it's how I feel. Of course, this isn't like losing a member of my actual family, and I have many others that I can go to for physical as well as mental & emotional support. But it still means something to me to lose Cathryn's words, and the words of everyone else, losing the smile that seeing everyone's supportiveness & friendly personalities & achievements celebrated on the site always gave me. It was a forum to celebrate everything that makes us uniquely US, without fear of being swatted down by others, or ridiculed. It was a place not only to make a claim to everything that makes us wonderful women (from our stances on education and abortion rights to our concerns about how many margaritas we’d need to consume before we could all go on a bikini beach party together), but also to be mentored and applauded in doing so.
We have celebrated so many wonderful events on the blog - Joy's being accepted to grad school, M triumphantly returning to teaching, LawSchool Kirsten becoming just that, Maria joining the diplomatic corps, UKYankee's marriage, AKCop Girl's engagement, GG's "Cook Off!", and we have also provided support for each other during the hard & even terrible moments - Jenn's struggles with both her ex & all the care her family needs, NoIssue's marital troubles, me (NGG) loosing my home, and, most terribly, Sandi's husband being diagnosed with cancer.
We have shared it all; deep dark moments of anguish and fear, moments of tragedy, moments of triumph, moments of spellbinding joy and happiness. And through it all, we were there for each other.
As such, I can say that I am losing a family with the end of the Grrl Genius blog - my virtual family.
Best wishes to everyone reading this that was part of this family - my cyber sisters and brothers, our cyber 'big sister', GG, and our 'cyber mommy', the amazing MFD.
Please stay in touch, and hopefully, one day, we will all be able to have a 'cyber-family' reunion thanks to what GG started, and the continuing wisdom & power of the Grrl Genius Movement.
Although I know that just about anyone reading this already knows that the blog is ending, I feel a need to write about it.
I feel bereft, as if I have just lost a family member, and in a way, this is true. The grrl genius blog (and Cathryn) was not just amusing, thought-provoking and witty. It did not just celebrate the wonders of being a Grrl Genius or an enlightened male.
It created, more than anything else I have ever seen on the web, a family. A wild, multi-cultural, multi-national, sometimes disjointed family that often saw impassioned differences of opinions (if not cyber yelling) but none the less, a family.
The blog was a secure place that we could all turn to, and as such, it became a safe, comforting locale, just like returning to the family home (and, for some that do not have that home, probably in some ways replaced it). It gave us all a chance to speak, to share our deepest feelings, and to gain love & support. Yes, most of us never met/ will never meet. That said, I don't think it will ever matter. The blog managed to transcend the fact that it was entirely virtual, and become a part of each of our lives. It was a place to laugh, to cry, to rail against injustice. What was best, it was a place wherein we were supported for doing so, encouraged not just to speak our minds, but to yell them from our keyboards into the ears of a receptive and loving cyber-family.
Thank you Cathryn for giving us this place, for not only your words and wisdom, but also for the family you encouraged us to create. Thank you all for the support and love you gave me during my struggles to start up my career, my learning pains through falling in love & moving in with Jeff (with whom I will be celebrating our first year of 'marriage' within the next two weeks), through the fire that left me homeless. Thank you for your ideas, wisdom, comments, jokes, support, encouragement, sympathy and love.
Thank you for all being part of the place I went for a 'pick-me-up', to feel empowered, and to see just what 'sisterhood' can create - a vibrant, living, supportive family!
I will miss the blog, and everyone on it, very deeply. It has been part of my life for the last 18 months, and although I was involved in more than one argument on it, I will honestly miss everyone whom contributed positively to it. I will miss getting to be a spectator & commentator in your lives, just as I will miss your support in mine.
I know, to some, this might sound weird - as if I am living on the web instead of in real life- but it's how I feel. Of course, this isn't like losing a member of my actual family, and I have many others that I can go to for physical as well as mental & emotional support. But it still means something to me to lose Cathryn's words, and the words of everyone else, losing the smile that seeing everyone's supportiveness & friendly personalities & achievements celebrated on the site always gave me. It was a forum to celebrate everything that makes us uniquely US, without fear of being swatted down by others, or ridiculed. It was a place not only to make a claim to everything that makes us wonderful women (from our stances on education and abortion rights to our concerns about how many margaritas we’d need to consume before we could all go on a bikini beach party together), but also to be mentored and applauded in doing so.
We have celebrated so many wonderful events on the blog - Joy's being accepted to grad school, M triumphantly returning to teaching, LawSchool Kirsten becoming just that, Maria joining the diplomatic corps, UKYankee's marriage, AKCop Girl's engagement, GG's "Cook Off!", and we have also provided support for each other during the hard & even terrible moments - Jenn's struggles with both her ex & all the care her family needs, NoIssue's marital troubles, me (NGG) loosing my home, and, most terribly, Sandi's husband being diagnosed with cancer.
We have shared it all; deep dark moments of anguish and fear, moments of tragedy, moments of triumph, moments of spellbinding joy and happiness. And through it all, we were there for each other.
As such, I can say that I am losing a family with the end of the Grrl Genius blog - my virtual family.
Best wishes to everyone reading this that was part of this family - my cyber sisters and brothers, our cyber 'big sister', GG, and our 'cyber mommy', the amazing MFD.
Please stay in touch, and hopefully, one day, we will all be able to have a 'cyber-family' reunion thanks to what GG started, and the continuing wisdom & power of the Grrl Genius Movement.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Thinking...
So it's now been almost two months since we lost the apartment, and six weeks since I lost my job. And since I'm typing this just after work hours on a week day, it should be pretty obvious to all and sundry that I am, still, unemployed.
Yes, I took the contract position. No, it didn't work out - in fact, it turned out badly. I couldn't get motivated, it didn't interest me, and I simply couldn't find the data that was needed for my employers. I crashed and burned, badly. If they hadn't asked to discontinue the contract when they did, I was planning to at the end of the assignment.
While I'm very greatful for the offer of that job, and the money will be handy (whenever I get paid), at the same time the job caused problems - it kept me from getting going properly on the job search (too much time spent on the contract vs looking for a proper job), and it was probably too soon for me to be working - I possibly actually needed some time to come to grips with all that had happened to me in the last two weeks. And, finally, loosing a job AGAIN, on top of everything else that had happened within the last month, was just the icing on the cake.
So I've been thinking, a lot, in the last two weeks. What is it that I really want to be doing in my life? What are my dreams, my ambitions, and where do I get the motivation for them? What are the next steps in my self-journey, to a satisfying career that will fullfill me?
I'm still applying for just every job out there, but grudingly. I've hit the spot where I'm thinking "even if they interview me, they'll never hire me, so why bother? It's all a waste of time". I've hit a low point, where I'm lazy and in fear of rejection. I'm finding jobs to apply for: Right now I even have a list of them saved on Word, but am I applying for them? No, I'm putting it off.
I'm scared to apply. I'm scared of rejection, of dead ends, of jobs that go nowhere or that I get fired from for being the 'wrong person'. I'm afraid that I might be the wrong person for every job, any job. I feel like a looser, that I'm doomed to turn into my aunt, the woman my whole family distains for her inability to accomplish anything in life, except being a drain on everyone else.
Yes, I've got some money due to come in, so I can pay my bills (hell, right now I have twice as much money as Jeff) for the time being. But I built up that money painstakingly, and loosing my financial independence is tough. I could go back to the temp agenices, but I'm afraid of getting sucked in, of loosing chances at other things, because of this.
What is it I really want to do? And where do I find the motivation for it? Do I want to do communications for a charitable organization? Media Relations for a theatre group? Internal communications for a corporation? Be a Freelance writer? Become a Journalist?
I honestly just don't know, and I don't feel like I have the drive and ability to set myself up as any of these at this point.
I feel like a failure, as only a 26 year old failure can. Worse, I know that I am becoming a failure through my inability to fight through and accomplish anything. I'm hiding in books, running from options and choices and doing anything.
I think I'm loosing myself, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I don't feel like I can do anything about it, because I don't know what to do, where to start, how to act.
I have an appointment up at the University on Thursday for a Mock Interview: perhaps that will give me the skills and confidence to win through at interviews, enough at least so that I want to interview, and therefore apply for jobs.
But even then, would it be to do what I dream of?
I think I need counseling, but I can't afford it. Career counseling through the University would cost $130 an hour, far more than I could possibly afford. Yet, I think it's time to find something to help me. It's not fair to dump this all of Jeff, and I'm not sure he could fully understand it: He's never been in this position before, he's never been unemployed. Nor have my girlfriends' ever had this happen.
I feel panicky, and alone and depressed. I need to fix this, and I need to fix it now.
I didn't even realize how bad it was until I started typing, until this all started pouring out of me.
I need help, and I need it fast.
Now all I have to do is find it.
Yes, I took the contract position. No, it didn't work out - in fact, it turned out badly. I couldn't get motivated, it didn't interest me, and I simply couldn't find the data that was needed for my employers. I crashed and burned, badly. If they hadn't asked to discontinue the contract when they did, I was planning to at the end of the assignment.
While I'm very greatful for the offer of that job, and the money will be handy (whenever I get paid), at the same time the job caused problems - it kept me from getting going properly on the job search (too much time spent on the contract vs looking for a proper job), and it was probably too soon for me to be working - I possibly actually needed some time to come to grips with all that had happened to me in the last two weeks. And, finally, loosing a job AGAIN, on top of everything else that had happened within the last month, was just the icing on the cake.
So I've been thinking, a lot, in the last two weeks. What is it that I really want to be doing in my life? What are my dreams, my ambitions, and where do I get the motivation for them? What are the next steps in my self-journey, to a satisfying career that will fullfill me?
I'm still applying for just every job out there, but grudingly. I've hit the spot where I'm thinking "even if they interview me, they'll never hire me, so why bother? It's all a waste of time". I've hit a low point, where I'm lazy and in fear of rejection. I'm finding jobs to apply for: Right now I even have a list of them saved on Word, but am I applying for them? No, I'm putting it off.
I'm scared to apply. I'm scared of rejection, of dead ends, of jobs that go nowhere or that I get fired from for being the 'wrong person'. I'm afraid that I might be the wrong person for every job, any job. I feel like a looser, that I'm doomed to turn into my aunt, the woman my whole family distains for her inability to accomplish anything in life, except being a drain on everyone else.
Yes, I've got some money due to come in, so I can pay my bills (hell, right now I have twice as much money as Jeff) for the time being. But I built up that money painstakingly, and loosing my financial independence is tough. I could go back to the temp agenices, but I'm afraid of getting sucked in, of loosing chances at other things, because of this.
What is it I really want to do? And where do I find the motivation for it? Do I want to do communications for a charitable organization? Media Relations for a theatre group? Internal communications for a corporation? Be a Freelance writer? Become a Journalist?
I honestly just don't know, and I don't feel like I have the drive and ability to set myself up as any of these at this point.
I feel like a failure, as only a 26 year old failure can. Worse, I know that I am becoming a failure through my inability to fight through and accomplish anything. I'm hiding in books, running from options and choices and doing anything.
I think I'm loosing myself, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I don't feel like I can do anything about it, because I don't know what to do, where to start, how to act.
I have an appointment up at the University on Thursday for a Mock Interview: perhaps that will give me the skills and confidence to win through at interviews, enough at least so that I want to interview, and therefore apply for jobs.
But even then, would it be to do what I dream of?
I think I need counseling, but I can't afford it. Career counseling through the University would cost $130 an hour, far more than I could possibly afford. Yet, I think it's time to find something to help me. It's not fair to dump this all of Jeff, and I'm not sure he could fully understand it: He's never been in this position before, he's never been unemployed. Nor have my girlfriends' ever had this happen.
I feel panicky, and alone and depressed. I need to fix this, and I need to fix it now.
I didn't even realize how bad it was until I started typing, until this all started pouring out of me.
I need help, and I need it fast.
Now all I have to do is find it.
Sunday, July 8, 2007
A little more...
Newest article on the disaster... don't know why I'm keeping them, but reading them... makes it kick in a little (self-inflicted reality check, I guess!).
Homeless, Day 2
Just a quick update for myself, I guess... things are much better today. We are getting more help from Social Services, the building owners, the community at large & the province.
We got more stuff out (and it's ok!), there is a disaster fund being set up... we're doing good, we're getting priority for rehousing from a lot of different property management companies...
it's all amazing.
There's a dark side too though... and that is realizing all we have lost. Right now, I am coping, because my brain is going 'oh, it's just moving, you've done that SO many times before already!' . And I fool myself that everything is alright (majorly helped in this by the fact that Kathleen has an AMAZING condo that she's lent us to stay in this weekend).
But then, I'm on site, packing, and I go to pick something up & realize that behind it, is a book that I can't even see the text of, it's so damaged. And that makes me wonder 'how much have we actually lost, and how are we going to deal'.
How can we pack EVERYTHING, a full two bedroom appartment with 3 storage closets, in one half-day. What about taking apart things like the table, so they can be moved out? Where are we going to store it? How can we afford to replace things? How much time off will work allow me to accomplish this all in? Where are we going to live, how long is that going to take? How am I going to do my job properly, if I have a two-hour commute everyday, and can't ever arrive early/stay late, because I can't get to my parents' place without Jeff? How long are we going to manage living in one room at my parents'?
When is this all going to hit me, and how am I going to react to it all then??
WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN, AND HOW??
We got more stuff out (and it's ok!), there is a disaster fund being set up... we're doing good, we're getting priority for rehousing from a lot of different property management companies...
it's all amazing.
There's a dark side too though... and that is realizing all we have lost. Right now, I am coping, because my brain is going 'oh, it's just moving, you've done that SO many times before already!' . And I fool myself that everything is alright (majorly helped in this by the fact that Kathleen has an AMAZING condo that she's lent us to stay in this weekend).
But then, I'm on site, packing, and I go to pick something up & realize that behind it, is a book that I can't even see the text of, it's so damaged. And that makes me wonder 'how much have we actually lost, and how are we going to deal'.
How can we pack EVERYTHING, a full two bedroom appartment with 3 storage closets, in one half-day. What about taking apart things like the table, so they can be moved out? Where are we going to store it? How can we afford to replace things? How much time off will work allow me to accomplish this all in? Where are we going to live, how long is that going to take? How am I going to do my job properly, if I have a two-hour commute everyday, and can't ever arrive early/stay late, because I can't get to my parents' place without Jeff? How long are we going to manage living in one room at my parents'?
When is this all going to hit me, and how am I going to react to it all then??
WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN, AND HOW??
Fire at Lakeview Mews
On Friday, July 6th, 2007, I became homeless.
I was at work at the time, completely oblivious, until we heard it all on the radio... several hours after I had left my home, worrying that I would be late for work, I was standing outside my appartment, worrying about where I am going to live.
today we got to go in, see the damage, and find out our options.
I'm lucky: I have temporary shelter, an income, and minimal damage to my possessions.
Where I go from here (literally) I don't know, but I am greatful: Jeff and I are both ok, and together, we will make everything work out....
the following is:
Photos of the appartment building, our (only marginally damaged) appartment & a link to the story about what happened... or as far as they know... more later....
a story about the damage here... Please note that a) Jordan was hopping around in a suit today, he was able to borrow one and b) Maverick is just fine, the fire department got him out!
the north-east of the building, including our suite.
Where we (guess) it started...
I was at work at the time, completely oblivious, until we heard it all on the radio... several hours after I had left my home, worrying that I would be late for work, I was standing outside my appartment, worrying about where I am going to live.
today we got to go in, see the damage, and find out our options.
I'm lucky: I have temporary shelter, an income, and minimal damage to my possessions.
Where I go from here (literally) I don't know, but I am greatful: Jeff and I are both ok, and together, we will make everything work out....
the following is:
Photos of the appartment building, our (only marginally damaged) appartment & a link to the story about what happened... or as far as they know... more later....
a story about the damage here... Please note that a) Jordan was hopping around in a suit today, he was able to borrow one and b) Maverick is just fine, the fire department got him out!
the north-east of the building, including our suite.
Where we (guess) it started...
Monday, June 18, 2007
Happy News
Ok, for anyone that reads this, here is my list of happy recent developments:
1) I got to (quickly) meet Bruce Cameron & hear him speak at an event - lucky me! It was very neat, and Bruce was hilarious (I've really got to get ahold of '8 Simple Rules' one of these days...)
2) I've finally learnt how to eat & exercise more healthily! I'm not all the way there, but I'm begining and for once I'm actually sticking to it. I haven't noticed any changes yet (boo, no fat-be-gone), but I am feeling better about MYSELF, and a lot of the junk food cravings are melting away! It's been only about 3 weeks but still.. GO ME!
3) I just booked a vacation to see Sara in August! I'll be spending four days with her in Vancouver, just us girls - premium sister bonding, hurray! I haven't asked for the time off yet (gotta pass 3 month review at the end of the FOURTH month - whaaa?), but that's ok, as all I'm doing is taking two days (I've already earned a week) of my vacation time.
4) My best friends are home from travelling -hurray, lots of girl time!
5) No matter how much I hate my job, I finally have some money! Which means that my 'down time' has lots of fun books & movies involved - sweet!
There's lots more, but that's all I can think & type about right now
hugs to all!
1) I got to (quickly) meet Bruce Cameron & hear him speak at an event - lucky me! It was very neat, and Bruce was hilarious (I've really got to get ahold of '8 Simple Rules' one of these days...)
2) I've finally learnt how to eat & exercise more healthily! I'm not all the way there, but I'm begining and for once I'm actually sticking to it. I haven't noticed any changes yet (boo, no fat-be-gone), but I am feeling better about MYSELF, and a lot of the junk food cravings are melting away! It's been only about 3 weeks but still.. GO ME!
3) I just booked a vacation to see Sara in August! I'll be spending four days with her in Vancouver, just us girls - premium sister bonding, hurray! I haven't asked for the time off yet (gotta pass 3 month review at the end of the FOURTH month - whaaa?), but that's ok, as all I'm doing is taking two days (I've already earned a week) of my vacation time.
4) My best friends are home from travelling -hurray, lots of girl time!
5) No matter how much I hate my job, I finally have some money! Which means that my 'down time' has lots of fun books & movies involved - sweet!
There's lots more, but that's all I can think & type about right now
hugs to all!
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