Work Whine

Getting used to a new job can be a very difficult thing. Not only is there all the hoopla of learning new programs, and new ins & outs, then there's all the thousands of questions you have on what wasn't covered, and all the questions YOU get asked, to which you can only answer

"I dunno".

It's difficult getting used to this new job, and that is for sure. Any new job is difficult, but this one… how do learn when there's really no one to learn from? How do you bond with your department, when you're over a dozen years younger than anyone else? How do you get to learn, when the rest of the team has a closed-door meeting, and you're outside the door.

Since joining MD, these are the things I'm experiencing. Yes, the people I'm working with are nice. But am I learning anything from them? Am I getting exposure to the world of marketing/communications, to even the world of MD?

No. I still feel like a temp, because I'm still on the outside. I don't know about so many things, and half the time, when I am asked to do something, it's fully administrative. Why WOULD I know where a file someone else worked on, years ago, is? Ask me, however, how to plan an event, and I'm going to be getting right on that, and enjoying it.

Instead, I feel like I'm shuffling my feet, that I really haven't taken any step forward, although I know I have. Having a full-time, permanent job, is a good thing. It will mean I can finally start moving up the ladder, once I've put in the appropriate time. The problem is, putting in that time is going to probably drive me nuts. I'm getting stimulation, yes, and sometimes I really adore my job. But am I learning? Am I making the experience what it needs to be? No, and that's because of the changes in the department itself, because of how I'm seen here.

I've already learnt that this department has massive turn-over, and no-where so much as with the Marketing Assistant. Quite frankly, I don't think they expect me to be here more than 6 months, because I've got a sneaking supscion that most MA's here don't last much longer than that. But I need to be here a year to learn all that's necessary to move up the ladder with the next positon - and, moreover, to look impressive on the resume.

Temp jobs, or contracts, or even other jobs that only last a few months, don't look impressive.

That's why it's so important for this job to work, but I'm afraid it won't. I'm afraid I won't get to do what I want to, despite how much I ask to be given the things that I'm good at, that showcase my skills.

I'm also afraid of the impending regime change. At this job, both C. and S. are on contract - they’ve both worked for MD before, but probably won't choose to stick around again once the desperate need for them starts to wane. P, who is the director/my boss, is actually C's sister. She's taking early retirement in a few months (I'm not sure about this, all I know from eavesdropping is that she's leaving & has handed in her notice, but no one's told me anymore than that). We've also got someone joining us for PR, who's name is apparently Pam - you know, apparently, because no one actually bothered to tell me someone's joining us, again, I managed to overhear.

So, I feel like I'm really out of the loop. And with the best friend's consortium that seems to be the rest of my department, I think I'm going to stay that way. But when the new boss comes…what then? Do I stand a chance of trying to move myself up the ladder, secure more responsibilities? Or do I become disposible because of being (kinda) part of the old regime, of not possibly adapting fast enough to the new boss' way of doing things?

I have no idea, but I'm a bit nerveous. I need to be here a year, just one year. And in that time, I need to grow & learn. Hopefully that will be possible, but I'm nerveous it may not.

And in the meantime, I'll keep working my ass off, and planning for the next job.

The next job, which I'm already determined, is going to be in a PROPER coms department, will NOT involve 'assistant' in my title, and will actually, hopefully, have people closer to my own age in it.

I've just gotta make the best of the year between then and now, before then.


PS: yes, I know I should stick around for far more than a year, but I'm not sure if that's going to be an option, who knows. Maybe the other C won't come back from maternity leave, and I'll be able to get that job. However, I don't think that'll be possible in this regime, only because I probably won't know they've even decided to get a new coordinator until they're advertising!

Also, there doesn't seem to be any real 'junior' position here - only me (which, let's be honest, this is entry level again), and then 5 years or more.

GRR, GRR, GRR. I guess this is what comes of taking jobs out of desperation though :D

Time-Killing

So, I actually have things to accomplish today, but I don’t want to do any of them.
Maybe it’s because I’m tired, or because my legs are sore (the therapist said my BACK would hurt from him re-aliging my spine, but trust my legs to get in on the act anyways). However you look at it, however, I’m time-killing.

Maybe it’s because of Mum’s surgery- I don’t want to think about it, so I’m allowing myself to kind of …float, through a mist. I don’t want to start using my brain, because once it is operational, I might think about the operation. That said, I’m not picking up on any worry inside myself… maybe it’s too deeply buried right now, or maybe I know, on some level, that everything will turn out perfectly. And god knows, I certainly wish it was the second one that’s right.

So, I’m floating/time-wasting/time-killing. And that, in itself, seems like a waste. Life is so short (and like I’m not getting reminders of that today), and yet I’m just… wasting time, waiting. Waiting for all the exciting things to happen, for the day to get to the point where something important goes on (I hear from Dad, I go for my job interview), for when I get to go home to Jeff & then, even if we’re not doing anything, at least I have company. Wasting & waiting for the company I interviewed with yesterday to call me back, waiting to find a dream job, waiting & wasting, always.

This seems, on some levels, totally depressing, or like I’m completely depressed. But the truth is, that what this really is about is feeling like I’m not accomplishing, that I’m not living life to its fullest. Unfortently, that requires some money, so I doubt I’ll ever accomplish living life to the degree I would like. But that said, the winter blahs are here, and I’m bored, and I need something new to pursue. And I need to be more social- I think I’ll have to call around tonight & have Jeff do the same, and see if we can’t find some people to go out with this weekend, go do something simple, like bowling or skating. It would be fun, and I need some fun right now. The second benefit is that it’s physically active (ok, well, bowling not so much), so it means moving around. Which I think I’m not the only one in need of – Jeff is definitely feeling the winter blahs too. And although I might not be having so many problems getting up these days (really should have started multivitamins a long time ago), Jeff’s finding it harder & harder- he needs some sunlight in his life & something to give him a couple of laughs (other than me).

So, I know how to improve my life outside of 8-4pm, M-F, or at least, I know how I would if I had more money (that said, we HAVE to do something more exciting with food lately, I’m getting sick of western food, need something exotic in my life, maybe we should try massacering Indian food by making it at home this weekend?). But as to the 9-5, all I can hope for is that I get a job soon, where I feel like I’m actually accomplishing something, am actually busy & am actually enjoying my job. It’s funny, because the company I interviewed with said they wanted someone motivated, that could give their all. Hey, I’d be willing to give 50 hours a week (well, not every week), just as long as it was for something I loved, or that mattered. But make me work 35 hours a week at a job I hate, and well… fuck, I resent every moment I’m here.

Although really, I should have enough time to phone health services today & find out about Drs nearby (Jeff needs to actually go and get a health check up, and so do I). But am I motivated to do anything like that? No. Not even though I’ve got plenty to do, and all of it has deadlines.

I’ve got no motivation, because I hate what I’m doing. And that’s why I’m wasting time… even when it’s running out on me, both in terms of the workday and life.

Fuck, I really should of brought my chocolate to work with me today :D