Thinking...

So it's now been almost two months since we lost the apartment, and six weeks since I lost my job. And since I'm typing this just after work hours on a week day, it should be pretty obvious to all and sundry that I am, still, unemployed.

Yes, I took the contract position. No, it didn't work out - in fact, it turned out badly. I couldn't get motivated, it didn't interest me, and I simply couldn't find the data that was needed for my employers. I crashed and burned, badly. If they hadn't asked to discontinue the contract when they did, I was planning to at the end of the assignment.

While I'm very greatful for the offer of that job, and the money will be handy (whenever I get paid), at the same time the job caused problems - it kept me from getting going properly on the job search (too much time spent on the contract vs looking for a proper job), and it was probably too soon for me to be working - I possibly actually needed some time to come to grips with all that had happened to me in the last two weeks. And, finally, loosing a job AGAIN, on top of everything else that had happened within the last month, was just the icing on the cake.

So I've been thinking, a lot, in the last two weeks. What is it that I really want to be doing in my life? What are my dreams, my ambitions, and where do I get the motivation for them? What are the next steps in my self-journey, to a satisfying career that will fullfill me?

I'm still applying for just every job out there, but grudingly. I've hit the spot where I'm thinking "even if they interview me, they'll never hire me, so why bother? It's all a waste of time". I've hit a low point, where I'm lazy and in fear of rejection. I'm finding jobs to apply for: Right now I even have a list of them saved on Word, but am I applying for them? No, I'm putting it off.

I'm scared to apply. I'm scared of rejection, of dead ends, of jobs that go nowhere or that I get fired from for being the 'wrong person'. I'm afraid that I might be the wrong person for every job, any job. I feel like a looser, that I'm doomed to turn into my aunt, the woman my whole family distains for her inability to accomplish anything in life, except being a drain on everyone else.

Yes, I've got some money due to come in, so I can pay my bills (hell, right now I have twice as much money as Jeff) for the time being. But I built up that money painstakingly, and loosing my financial independence is tough. I could go back to the temp agenices, but I'm afraid of getting sucked in, of loosing chances at other things, because of this.

What is it I really want to do? And where do I find the motivation for it? Do I want to do communications for a charitable organization? Media Relations for a theatre group? Internal communications for a corporation? Be a Freelance writer? Become a Journalist?

I honestly just don't know, and I don't feel like I have the drive and ability to set myself up as any of these at this point.

I feel like a failure, as only a 26 year old failure can. Worse, I know that I am becoming a failure through my inability to fight through and accomplish anything. I'm hiding in books, running from options and choices and doing anything.

I think I'm loosing myself, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I don't feel like I can do anything about it, because I don't know what to do, where to start, how to act.

I have an appointment up at the University on Thursday for a Mock Interview: perhaps that will give me the skills and confidence to win through at interviews, enough at least so that I want to interview, and therefore apply for jobs.

But even then, would it be to do what I dream of?

I think I need counseling, but I can't afford it. Career counseling through the University would cost $130 an hour, far more than I could possibly afford. Yet, I think it's time to find something to help me. It's not fair to dump this all of Jeff, and I'm not sure he could fully understand it: He's never been in this position before, he's never been unemployed. Nor have my girlfriends' ever had this happen.

I feel panicky, and alone and depressed. I need to fix this, and I need to fix it now.

I didn't even realize how bad it was until I started typing, until this all started pouring out of me.

I need help, and I need it fast.

Now all I have to do is find it.

A little more...

Newest article on the disaster... don't know why I'm keeping them, but reading them... makes it kick in a little (self-inflicted reality check, I guess!).

Homeless, Day 2

Just a quick update for myself, I guess... things are much better today. We are getting more help from Social Services, the building owners, the community at large & the province.

We got more stuff out (and it's ok!), there is a disaster fund being set up... we're doing good, we're getting priority for rehousing from a lot of different property management companies...

it's all amazing.

There's a dark side too though... and that is realizing all we have lost. Right now, I am coping, because my brain is going 'oh, it's just moving, you've done that SO many times before already!' . And I fool myself that everything is alright (majorly helped in this by the fact that Kathleen has an AMAZING condo that she's lent us to stay in this weekend).

But then, I'm on site, packing, and I go to pick something up & realize that behind it, is a book that I can't even see the text of, it's so damaged. And that makes me wonder 'how much have we actually lost, and how are we going to deal'.

How can we pack EVERYTHING, a full two bedroom appartment with 3 storage closets, in one half-day. What about taking apart things like the table, so they can be moved out? Where are we going to store it? How can we afford to replace things? How much time off will work allow me to accomplish this all in? Where are we going to live, how long is that going to take? How am I going to do my job properly, if I have a two-hour commute everyday, and can't ever arrive early/stay late, because I can't get to my parents' place without Jeff? How long are we going to manage living in one room at my parents'?

When is this all going to hit me, and how am I going to react to it all then??

WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN, AND HOW??

Fire at Lakeview Mews

On Friday, July 6th, 2007, I became homeless.

I was at work at the time, completely oblivious, until we heard it all on the radio... several hours after I had left my home, worrying that I would be late for work, I was standing outside my appartment, worrying about where I am going to live.

today we got to go in, see the damage, and find out our options.

I'm lucky: I have temporary shelter, an income, and minimal damage to my possessions.

Where I go from here (literally) I don't know, but I am greatful: Jeff and I are both ok, and together, we will make everything work out....

the following is:


Photos of the appartment building, our (only marginally damaged) appartment & a link to the story about what happened... or as far as they know... more later....

a story about the damage here... Please note that a) Jordan was hopping around in a suit today, he was able to borrow one and b) Maverick is just fine, the fire department got him out!




the north-east of the building, including our suite.




Where we (guess) it started...

Happy News

Ok, for anyone that reads this, here is my list of happy recent developments:

1) I got to (quickly) meet Bruce Cameron & hear him speak at an event - lucky me! It was very neat, and Bruce was hilarious (I've really got to get ahold of '8 Simple Rules' one of these days...)

2) I've finally learnt how to eat & exercise more healthily! I'm not all the way there, but I'm begining and for once I'm actually sticking to it. I haven't noticed any changes yet (boo, no fat-be-gone), but I am feeling better about MYSELF, and a lot of the junk food cravings are melting away! It's been only about 3 weeks but still.. GO ME!

3) I just booked a vacation to see Sara in August! I'll be spending four days with her in Vancouver, just us girls - premium sister bonding, hurray! I haven't asked for the time off yet (gotta pass 3 month review at the end of the FOURTH month - whaaa?), but that's ok, as all I'm doing is taking two days (I've already earned a week) of my vacation time.

4) My best friends are home from travelling -hurray, lots of girl time!

5) No matter how much I hate my job, I finally have some money! Which means that my 'down time' has lots of fun books & movies involved - sweet!

There's lots more, but that's all I can think & type about right now

hugs to all!

Update/ work grumble

It's been a long time since I 'blogged'.

So much has happened, and on the work front, unfortently, none of it has been good. Yes, I don't feel confused anymore. However, relationships between myself and my boss are not in a good place. Since confronting her about how my job did not meet the promises of what she'd offered me, I have been penalized constantly for it.

I have not written ANYTHING (except emails and 'resumes' of lawyers) in two months. I am constantly told I am not 'suitable' and don't have the proper skills for the position because it's expected that I can set-up complex filing systems in zero time. Last week I was introduced to the inc0mming boss as 'our admin assistant, who does the saddledome ticket distribution and all the office tasks'.

Not as a Marketing Assistant, no word about what I am, what I can do. The ADMIN assistant - for which, of course, I was promptly ignored by the new boss. I work overtime all the time (often when the boss tells me I have to two minutes before I leave). I don't take lunch breaks - I don't get to. Despite all this, I am told I am not putting in enough 'effort', that my 'long-term placement' in the position is in question.

Needless to say, I have long ago dropped the idea of working there for a year. Now, I'm looking as hard as I can for anything else!

I hope something happens, because this is driving me nuts, daily. I'm miserable, and it's breaking down my self-esteem, and is also causing stress in my relationship with Jeff. Me being frustrated & coming home crying does not make for a happy home life.

I don't want to bitch, but it just comes pouring out of me - each and everyday, there is an effort (concious or not, I don't know), to errode my self-esteem, my assurance in my skills and experience.

But I'll keep smiling, and I'll keep looking & applying. And one day... well, the job I want really is out there!

Work Whine

Getting used to a new job can be a very difficult thing. Not only is there all the hoopla of learning new programs, and new ins & outs, then there's all the thousands of questions you have on what wasn't covered, and all the questions YOU get asked, to which you can only answer

"I dunno".

It's difficult getting used to this new job, and that is for sure. Any new job is difficult, but this one… how do learn when there's really no one to learn from? How do you bond with your department, when you're over a dozen years younger than anyone else? How do you get to learn, when the rest of the team has a closed-door meeting, and you're outside the door.

Since joining MD, these are the things I'm experiencing. Yes, the people I'm working with are nice. But am I learning anything from them? Am I getting exposure to the world of marketing/communications, to even the world of MD?

No. I still feel like a temp, because I'm still on the outside. I don't know about so many things, and half the time, when I am asked to do something, it's fully administrative. Why WOULD I know where a file someone else worked on, years ago, is? Ask me, however, how to plan an event, and I'm going to be getting right on that, and enjoying it.

Instead, I feel like I'm shuffling my feet, that I really haven't taken any step forward, although I know I have. Having a full-time, permanent job, is a good thing. It will mean I can finally start moving up the ladder, once I've put in the appropriate time. The problem is, putting in that time is going to probably drive me nuts. I'm getting stimulation, yes, and sometimes I really adore my job. But am I learning? Am I making the experience what it needs to be? No, and that's because of the changes in the department itself, because of how I'm seen here.

I've already learnt that this department has massive turn-over, and no-where so much as with the Marketing Assistant. Quite frankly, I don't think they expect me to be here more than 6 months, because I've got a sneaking supscion that most MA's here don't last much longer than that. But I need to be here a year to learn all that's necessary to move up the ladder with the next positon - and, moreover, to look impressive on the resume.

Temp jobs, or contracts, or even other jobs that only last a few months, don't look impressive.

That's why it's so important for this job to work, but I'm afraid it won't. I'm afraid I won't get to do what I want to, despite how much I ask to be given the things that I'm good at, that showcase my skills.

I'm also afraid of the impending regime change. At this job, both C. and S. are on contract - they’ve both worked for MD before, but probably won't choose to stick around again once the desperate need for them starts to wane. P, who is the director/my boss, is actually C's sister. She's taking early retirement in a few months (I'm not sure about this, all I know from eavesdropping is that she's leaving & has handed in her notice, but no one's told me anymore than that). We've also got someone joining us for PR, who's name is apparently Pam - you know, apparently, because no one actually bothered to tell me someone's joining us, again, I managed to overhear.

So, I feel like I'm really out of the loop. And with the best friend's consortium that seems to be the rest of my department, I think I'm going to stay that way. But when the new boss comes…what then? Do I stand a chance of trying to move myself up the ladder, secure more responsibilities? Or do I become disposible because of being (kinda) part of the old regime, of not possibly adapting fast enough to the new boss' way of doing things?

I have no idea, but I'm a bit nerveous. I need to be here a year, just one year. And in that time, I need to grow & learn. Hopefully that will be possible, but I'm nerveous it may not.

And in the meantime, I'll keep working my ass off, and planning for the next job.

The next job, which I'm already determined, is going to be in a PROPER coms department, will NOT involve 'assistant' in my title, and will actually, hopefully, have people closer to my own age in it.

I've just gotta make the best of the year between then and now, before then.


PS: yes, I know I should stick around for far more than a year, but I'm not sure if that's going to be an option, who knows. Maybe the other C won't come back from maternity leave, and I'll be able to get that job. However, I don't think that'll be possible in this regime, only because I probably won't know they've even decided to get a new coordinator until they're advertising!

Also, there doesn't seem to be any real 'junior' position here - only me (which, let's be honest, this is entry level again), and then 5 years or more.

GRR, GRR, GRR. I guess this is what comes of taking jobs out of desperation though :D